


Self Destruct

by kittenofdoomage



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Blow Job, Cheating, Choking, Cunnilingus, Demon!Dean, F/M, Female Reader, NSFW, Oral, Porn, Reader Insert, Rough Sex, Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:14:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7595797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenofdoomage/pseuds/kittenofdoomage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for NSFW gif challenge and SPN Kink Bingo: square for humiliation. This is not a happy fic. Reader and Sam are in an est. relationship but things have gone downhill since Dean turned into a demon. The hunt for him does not end as expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

‘He’s been spotted in town several times over the last few days. Favouring a bar called the Wyld Stallion. Someone who had an obsession with Bill and Ted, you reckon?’ Sam’s voice held anything but the joking tone you were used to. Your smile was thin as your fingers tightened on the steering wheel, and he didn’t probe your non-verbal acknowledgement. ‘He’s not bothered about the trail he’s leaving here, which worries me.’

You nodded, seeing the sign for the city limits up ahead, pushing your foot down harder on the accelerator. The sign was gone in seconds, and Sam looked up from his laptop, frowning at your speed.

‘Babe, slow down a bit.’ The car slowed under your instruction, and you still didn’t speak. Sam’s eyes narrowed as he watched you stare at the road with little focus. ‘You’re not happy about this.’

‘Would you be?’ You spat, refusing to look at him.

Sam’s heavy sigh was almost like a slap in the face and you resisted the urge to put your foot on the gas again. ‘It’s the only option we have right now. We split up, cover more ground. He’s gonna slip up; he already has been.’

Your knuckles were bloodless as you gripped the steering wheel, trying to temper the rage inside you. Things had been unsettled ever since Dean left. Your relationship with Sam had gone from almost perfect to almost non-existent. The search for Dean had been his only worry for weeks, and whilst you couldn’t blame him, you couldn’t help but be angry that he was pushing you away.

Dean didn’t want to be found.

Except for now, in this two bit town with a crappy Fourth Of July firework festival. Why he’d picked here, you had no idea, but he was leaving bodies left, right and centre for you and Sam to pick up on.

‘You’re gonna take the festival. It’s over on the farm on the far side of town, towards Main Street. I’ll scope out the houses that some of the bodies have been found at, and speak to the local Sheriff. You’ll be safe, Y/N. Lots of people there. He won’t try anything in public.’

You frowned, wondering if Sam was going based on who Dean had been, or who he  _ was _ now. He was a demon - there was no telling what he would now.

‘Fine,’ you ground out, knowing there was no point in arguing. You’d go to the festival and stay in the crowds, and  _ hope to fucking God _ , your boyfriend was right.

There was no more chatter as you drove up to the motel Sam had located on the map. A room with two queens, in case you had Dean to bring home, although you knew that Sam would stay up and you’d sleep alone like you had for the last month. You missed his touch, but then, you missed him. He wasn’t himself without his brother, and you knew that whatever held you together was long dead. You just had to get Dean home and safe, and Sam would be okay.

Maybe you could be too.

*****

The next night rolled around, bringing with it the usual heat of July, and clear skies. Sam was quiet for most of the day, out doing the important interviews, locating witnesses, corroborating the reports he’d read. You stayed at the motel, wondering what you’d find, wondering if Dean was even still here.

As the sun started to dip below the horizon, Sam came back, and you readied yourself to leave. Slipping out of the door, you paused when Sam caught your arm, pulling you in for a kiss that seemed to be filled with desperation, and you swallowed down the lump in your throat when he quietly uttered words that you hadn’t heard in week.

‘Love you too,’ you whispered back, feeling your heart break as he smiled weakly and released you. ‘Be safe.’

You didn’t look back as you walked away from the motel, heading into town. It was a good mile and a half walk, but there were people everywhere, which put you on more alert than normal. Families, couples, unaware of the danger amongst them, and you, the sheep searching for the wolf.

The sky darkened, and everyone gathered at the lake on Sider Farm, the crowd thicker in places, excited children running around with sparklers, waiting for the big display. You wandered aimlessly, scanning faces, looking for anything out of the ordinary. You were so lost in your concentration, that when the first rockets went off, you jumped out of your skin, your hand automatically going to your gun, seconds shy of pulling it before your brain acknowledged the lack of danger.

Heaving a sigh, you continued through the masses of “ooohing” and “aaahhhing” adults and children, shoving your hands into your pockets, glancing up towards the back of the crowd on the slanted lake front.

There he was.

It was a split second, but it was unmistakably Dean, and you froze, seeing his smirk and flashing green eyes before he disappeared from sight. You kicked yourself into gear, slipping through the crowd in the direction you’d seen him. The people thinned out, and you stopped when you reached where he had been, finding nothing. Looking around, you saw him again, further away, perched on a fence next to a happy looking family. Someone walked in front of him, and he was gone again, but it didn’t stop you sprinting up there.

The family looked at you with a funny expression, before dismissing you as you climbed over the fence, your eyes searching for your target. He wasn’t anywhere to be seen, and you could see for ages with the light from the continuously exploding fireworks. Another rocket went off, just as you glanced at the barn a few hundred yards away; deserted except for the imposing figure of Dean Winchester in the doorway, the flashes of the display lighting him up for your eyes.

And he was gone again.

You looked back at the crowd, biting your lip as you made your decision. If you could contact Sam, you could get him here, and you could both take Dean down. Before you’d even finished the thought, you were walking towards the barn, sinking your hand deeper into your pocket to find your cell. As you reached the dilapidated building, you held the phone up, and scowled at the screen.

No signal.

Sam knew where you were. You just had to keep Dean occupied until he got here. His last text had been half an hour ago and it wouldn’t take him long to finish up and get over to the farm.

‘Y/N…’ Dean’s voice had you looked up into the darkness of the barn, a tingle running down your spine. ‘You all alone?’

You swallowed, stepping into the darkened building, not even giving a glimpse over your shoulder at the relative safety of the fields and the crowd. Dean wouldn’t hurt you. He wouldn’t.  _ Would he? _

‘No Sammy in sight. Did he leave you all alone to hunt me, sweetheart?’

A quick movement had your gun in your hand, and you felt your heart pounding wildly in your chest. ‘Dean. We just want you to come home. I don’t wanna shoot you.’

A barked laugh echoed through the wooden structure, but you couldn’t see anything in the near pitch black. ‘Oh, Y/N. Your aim ain’t that good.’ The sound of something rustling in the hay and a thud, and you swung around, gun held aloft, despite your shaking hands. ‘Baby, don’t tease.’

Dean was stood in the doorway, silhouetted by the fireworks behind him, until he flicked his wrist and the door slammed shut. Dim lights erupted around the barn, a few of them flickering in his demonic presence. ‘Dean -’

‘What?’ He barked. ‘We’re all alone here, Y/N. No need to hide your true feelings.’

‘True...what are you on about?’ You shuddered, feeling the cool air in the building, despite the July heat. ‘I just want to help. You’re sick, Dean.’

‘And you wanna cure me,’ he stated, a wicked grin on his face as he took a few steps forward. You brought your gun up hire, telling yourself you’d shoot, you would, you would, fuck -

Dean’s hand easily slapped your weapon away as he tracked you into a corner. You yelped as a solid wooden post prevented your retreat, and he simply smiled; the spider who’d caught his prey in his web.

‘I said you wouldn’t shoot me,’ he taunted, bringing one hand up to trace your cheek with cool fingers. The reaction to his touch was instant and you cursed your own body - you’d always liked Dean, but you were with Sam, you  _ loved _ Sam. Dean was just a distant fantasy. Except...he was right in front of you, and getting closer.

‘D-Dean -’

‘Stop saying my name like that,’ he ordered, letting his hand slide underneath your chin to grip your throat. ‘Like I’m still  _ him _ . That dewy eyed hunter who loved you, even though you were fucking his brother.’ The admission hit you like a sledgehammer to the chest, and your eyes widened as Dean kept leering at you. ‘You really had no idea? Oh, I was so broken up when you picked Sam. Always thought you were too  _ good _ for me.’ He leaned in, his fingers tightening around your throat as he pressed his mouth close to your ear. ‘Except we all know, I’d be more than  _ good _ for you, sweetheart. I’d ruin that sweet little cunt like my brother never dared to.’

You couldn’t help the way your body responded to his words, and you tried to open your mouth, to deny what he was saying. But Dean was quicker than you, and his lips covered yours with a silky smooth movement, his tongue licking at the inside of your mouth as his hand loosened around your throat, his body hard and pressed against yours.

Your mind protested, albeit weakly; you were with Sam, you loved Sam, this was wrong.

But it had been a long time since you felt anything like the heat you felt with Dean touching you.

You pushed at his shoulders, guilt swelling in your chest, warring against the arousal he was inspiring. ‘Dean, we can’t.’

‘Why?’ he asked, his thumb rubbing along your jawline, his body still crushing against yours, despite your pathetic attempts to push him away. ‘Because you’re with Sam? Because you love him?’ He smirked, grinding his hips against your centre and you gasped. ‘Keep protesting, baby. I  _ love _ it.’ A deep groan rumbled from his chest as you arched your neck a little. ‘Fuck, bet you’re already wet, aren’t you?’

‘Please…’ You weren’t sure what the word was for. One half of you - the moral half - told you to hit him, to run, to find Sam...but the other half wanted him to take you, to claim your body and make you feel something, _ anything _ . ‘Dean, this isn’t right -’

He snorted, before the smirk was back in place. ‘Wrong feels better, don’t you agree?’ His mouth was hot against your jaw and you whined a little, shifting against him, feeling his cock twitch in the confines of his pants. ‘So wrong, so  _ sinful _ . Tell me, Y/N...when did Sam last make you scream? Does he lick your cunt just right? Do you come for him?’

You moaned, making a half-assed attempt to push him off again, but Dean just laughed, his hands sliding around your torso to grab your ass. ‘Let go, please, don’t do this.’

‘Don’t do what?’ he asked, an innocent look on his face. ‘Make you feel good? Baby, I just wanna fuck you.’ The innocent look gave way to another filthy leer and you shuddered as he hoisted you up against the wooden beam, his knees pinned against the surface as you found yourself wrapping your legs around his waist automatically to stop from falling. ‘Fuck, I wanted you from the get go. Sam fucking  _ stole _ you.’

You cried out as he kissed your neck, sucking a dark mark into the skin there, and you felt the resolve you’d clung to crumbling. Dean was gonna fuck you, and you knew you’d give in. He smirked against your skin, feeling your resistance fade, your fingers clinging to his shoulders.

‘There are perks to being a demon, you know,’ he licked at the spot below your ear, tugging on your hair as he bucked up against you, dry humping you against the post. Heat filled your head, and you sucked in a hot breath, closing your eyes as he marked your skin again. ‘Like, this.’ Sudden coolness assaulted your skin, and you realised your pants and shoes were gone, disappearing into the darkness of the barn. Dean chuckled at your shock, releasing you from his hold, and you dropped to the floor, your knees in the dirt and hay. ‘Look at you.’ He palmed his cock as he watched you. ‘Take that shirt off. Show me those pretty tits.’

You shuddered again, pulling your coat off, letting it fall to the floor as you grabbed the hem of your shirt and pulled it over your head. The black lace bra you had on underneath covered your remaining modesty, but Dean tutted impatiently.

‘Come on, Y/N. Don’t hold back on me now. I can practically  _ taste _ how wet you are.’ A low growl filled the air as he waited. ‘And I can’t wait to actually taste you. But first, I want to see your tits, and I want your hot little mouth on my dick.’

You squeezed your eyes shut briefly, trying to ignore the arousal that this shame was bringing you, the almost embarrassing way he was calling you out. A tiny spark in the back of your mind had you wondering; if you’d picked Dean all those months ago, would he have gone off like this?

‘Keep wondering, sweetheart.’ Dean grinned and bent down, just as you reached around to unhook your bra, letting it fall to the floor with your other clothes. ‘Sammy’s such a selfish bastard, keeping this all to himself.’ You looked up, arousal wet between your thighs, shame colouring your skin as Dean came closer, his fingers working to unfasten his pants. He pulled out his cock, stroking it only inches from your face. ‘Now, I’m not as  _ long _ as Sam, but you won’t find me lacking in the girth department.’ You swallowed, trying and failing to not look at his dick. He wasn’t lying - Sam had at least two inches extra length, whereas Dean’s cock was fatter and heavy, the tip angry red and leaking sticky fluid. Neither Winchester was small, in any sense. ‘Like what you see?’

There was no stopping your mouth from moving but your words were thick with arousal and embarrassment. ‘Yeah.’

‘Good,’ he growled, his free hand reaching out to grasp your hair, threading through it as he brought his cock to your lips. ‘Now, suck it.’

You parted your lips willingly, giving the head of his dick a tentative lick, unable to prevent the moan leaving your throat. Dean groaned, easing himself into your mouth as his fingers tightened in your hair.

‘Fuck, so hot. Jesus, Sam wasn’t lying when he said you were good at this.’ You frowned at his words, your throat working to swallow him down as you ran your tongue around and over his skin. Dean grunted loudly, and you tempered down your gag reflex as he started to thrust his hips. ‘That’s it, baby. Take it all down, lemme fuck that sweet little mouth.’

Your hands splayed over his jean-clad thighs as he started to buck into your mouth in earnest and your eyes watered at the brutal pace. It was difficult to keep up with his movements, and you felt the post at your back as he kept moving forward, seeking more friction. You focused on breathing through your nose, sucking in your cheeks as Dean’s filthy noises echoed through the barn.

Sam had never been this rough. He was always gentle, despite his size. But this, this was what you’d  _ needed _ \- that rough loss of control, the way Dean took instead of asking. Without even thinking, your hand drifted between your thighs, and you started to rub your clit, keeping pace with Dean’s hard thrusts.

‘Shit, you’re enjoying this. Fucking perfect, Y/N. Knew you’d like a bit of rough. Sammy never gave you this did he? Look at you, taking my cock like a pro.’ Dean’s words hit their mark and you inhaled through your nose, your throat constricting around his cock and dragging a strangled noise from his throat. ‘God, my brother didn’t know what he was doing with a cockslut like you.’ You whimpered around his length, feeling him twitch briefly before he stopped and pulled out, a thin trail of saliva and precome dripping down your chin as you slumped under his hold. His fingers were still tight in your hair, and you mewled as he tugged you to your feet.

‘Why’d you stop?’ You asked, panting, your face flushed with the effort.

Dean’s gaze darkened as he pushed you against the post with his body, his hands groping at your breasts, pinching and twisting your nipples so you’d gasp and arch into his touch. ‘Because I was gonna come in your mouth, and I wanna fuck you, so that’d spoil the party.’

Before you could protest, he was on you again, kissing you harshly, teeth scraping against your lips and tongue stroking the inside of your mouth. It was probably one of the hottest kisses you’d ever had, and only served to stoke the fire that was already raging in your belly.

When he broke away, his skin was flushed, his eyes slowly bleeding black, reminding you of exactly who was pressed up against your mostly naked body.

‘Tell me you want me, Y/N,’ he whispered, almost sounding like a little lost boy as the black threads that had started to obliterate the green in his eyes faded away and you nodded absently.

‘I want you, Dean.’

He smirked, dropping to his knees and making you shriek at the suddenness of his movement, his strong hands pushing your thighs apart as his tongue snaked out to flick over your wet panties. ‘Hmmm. You smell like heaven. Closest I’m gonna get anyway.’ You whimpered, feeling his fingers dragging your panties down your legs, exposing your dripping pussy to him. ‘Look at that little pearl,’ Dean muttered, rubbing a thumb over your swollen clit. ‘You’re so close, aren’t you, baby? Wanna come for me?’

You nodded, following the action with a barely audible affirmation, only for it to be wiped out by a cry of pleasure as Dean’s mouth landed on your slick skin. He moaned and growled against you as he sucked your clit into his mouth, sending you over the edge into a car crash orgasm, the sensation exploding outwards from his touch. You weren’t sure how you stayed upright, save for Dean’s hold on your thighs, but he didn’t stop the whole time. His tongue worked you over, circling your throbbing clitoris before sliding down through your folds, thrusting into your soaked hole and all the while, making obscene pornographic noises of enjoyment that you’d never heard from any man.

Even Sam hadn’t been this thorough - at least, not that you could remember, and it was pretty fucking hard to recall your sex life with him when his brother was tonsils deep in your cunt, making you moan like a whore.

Dean kept going, sliding two digits into your channel as he tongued you thoroughly, swallowing down every drop of your slick, grunting in appreciation as you shuddered and writhed at his touch. As he curled his fingers and sought out your g-spot, you screamed loudly, just as the fireworks outside grew louder.

You were panting, sweating, almost collapsing with just Dean holding you up. When he released you, you slumped down into his waiting arms, uncaring that the floor was dirty and covered with hay. Dean smirked, pushing your hair out of your face as he kissed you again.

‘Good thing those fireworks are so loud, cos I think all those people out there might hear you screaming for me, sweetheart.’

A groan left your mouth as Dean bent his head and sucked one hard nipple into his mouth, his fingers still brushing over your cunt, teasing you.

‘Gonna fuck you, Y/N. Want you on your knees for me.’ You didn’t protest his request, letting him position you the floor, mewling as he dipped his fingers into your fluttering hole. ‘God, if we had more time, I’d ruin you. But I wanna feel this -’ he sank one finger all the way into you and you jerked a little in response. ‘Wrapped around my thick cock.’

‘Dean, please -’ You were beyond caring, pushing back against his finger, feeling empty when he withdrew, only for his cock to press against you a second later. As he eased into your body, feeling like he was going to split you in two, you wailed, pushing back until Dean snapped, slamming the full length of his cock into you. It hit the deepest spot in your body, making your head snap up. He reached forward, one hand gripping your hair in a tight hold as the other palmed your breast, his hips thrusting backwards and forwards in a primal rhythm.

You were so far gone, all you could feel was Dean inside you, his hold keeping you in place whilst he fucked you relentlessly. Your knees scraped against the floor, your skin erupted in goosepimples as a fresh wave of cool air washed over you, and Dean jerked your head up so you could see the now open door, and Sam…

Shame flushed your body, but Dean slammed into you harder, cackling like it was some kind of joke as his brother watched from the doorway. You cried out, wanting to ask Dean to stop, but the pressure in your core was too much and you could do nothing as your orgasm washed over you and Dean grunted, pulling you upright so Sam could see everything.

‘You ever get her this responsive, Sammy?’ he taunted, and Sam’s jaw ticked, his hand on his gun. Dean pulled you further up. ‘Ah-uh. You wouldn’t wanna hit her, now. Not when she’s having so much fun.’ He bucked up into you, aware that Sam could see  _ everything _ , and you whimpered at the hold on your body. Shame washed over you as Sam paled, and Dean laughed again behind you.

‘She’s getting wetter you know. Just opening up for me. Must be getting off on you watching. You like that, Sam? See how much of a slut your precious little girl is?’

Sobs were falling from you now, and Dean gave one final thrust, his cock pulsing as he came hard inside you, dropping you to the floor. You fell forward, crying in earnest as Sam stepped into the room and closed the door.

‘I knew you’d try something.’ He addressed Dean, not even looking at you as you tried to cover yourself with your jacket. Dean stood straight, zipping up.

‘Oh?’

‘You never hid your crush that well, Dean.’ Sam finally looked down at you. ‘I guess I just didn’t think she’d…’

‘Fuck me?’ Dean smirked, and you flinched away, knowing that this was all over. Sam had his brother, but you’d lost them both. The demon Winchester held his arms open, and grinned wildly. ‘I’m that good, baby brother.’

Sam snarled, throwing a punch that went wide, and Dean ducked, his patterns still predictable, allowing Sam to snap one enchanted cuff around his brother’s wrist, his gun swiftly coming down on the back of Dean’s head and knocking him clean out.

Silence reigned for a few moments over the barn, and you looked up, tears falling freely as you watched Sam secure his brother, without looking at you.

‘I’m going to take him home.’

‘Sam, I -’ What the hell were you even supposed to say?

Hazel eyes met yours. ‘I didn’t...I pushed you away,’ he said, quietly. ‘This is as much my fault at yours. But...we can’t...I can’t…’

You nodded, looking down at your feet, not needing to hear the rest of what he was saying. ‘Just leave my things at the motel. I’ll give you some time…’ Sam hoisted Dean up, grunting at the weight of his brother.

‘For what it’s worth…’ He started, pausing briefly as he waited for you to look up. You slowly raised your eyes. ‘You helped me save my brother. And I’ll be forever grateful for that. But I never want to see you again.’

Tears filled your eyes anew as you acknowledge his words, not watching him leave. As the barn door slid shut again, you curled up on the filthy floor, and cried.


	2. Free Bird (Self-Destruct Pt.2)

It had been seven weeks since you’d picked yourself up off of the barn floor, and dragged your way back to the motel. You’d waited longer than the time you’d said you would give Sam to leave with his brother; mainly because you didn’t want to be spotted on your walk of shame by any of the straggling townsfolk after the fireworks.

Sam and Dean were long gone when you returned, and you took your time checking out, allowing yourself a hot shower to wash away the grime and filth, the remnants of Dean from your skin. It didn’t cleanse you of the shame you felt, and neither had time, but you knew you had to live with that. The look on Sam’s face when he’d found you, held close by his brother as you allowed him to take you in the most primal way you’d ever known.

Worse still, after weeks of trying to focus yourself back on the job, taking the little hunts, away from states you knew the Winchesters would frequent, you still felt his touch. Your dreams were filled with violent confrontations, sometimes one, sometimes both of the brothers, either fucking you or mocking you. Everything had come to a head, and you were losing your grip on reality as the dreams became ever increasingly frequent.

Hunting alone wasn’t something you were used to. You’d spent so long with your family, then with Sam and Dean, and now you had no one. Calling your former friends wasn’t a path you wished to go down – you were convinced Sam would have told them what you did, further enhancing your humiliation. Your life had spiralled into a marathon of avoiding sleep, eating shit food and hiding away in rundown motels using ridiculous fake names. Not that you thought for a second they would come looking for you.

Dragging your hand through your greasy hair, you sighed and picked up the salt container, sprinkling it generously over the rotten corpse in front of you. Sarah Gosport, a murdered wife, had been haunting the beds of children in the house she’d lived and died in. It had to stop, and you were the one to do it, setting the grave alight and watching the flames dance across the bones of the dead woman.

For a split second, you considered joining her.

You turned your back on the flaming grave, feeling the heat of the fire lick at your back, and you trudged through the cemetery, ignoring the hoots of owls in the trees and the yapping of a fox in the distance. Your car was parked at the other end of the graveyard, looking just as run down as you felt. Climbing into the driver’s side, you sat with your hands on the wheel, not starting the engine, not doing anything except staring.

Unbidden, a prayer dropped into your mind. You’d never been one for prayers normally, but when you were little, it was something you’d done every night before bed. Your father was a hunter, your mother was too, and you’d spent your formative years being terrified of losing them.

_ Please bring papa home safe from the monsters. Keep mommy safe. Please keep us all safe. _

When you’d hit your teenage years, the prayers had changed, lessened, but become more intense in their longing. It was something you and Sam had in common – neither of you wanted to be a hunter. You’d gone to school, almost graduated…until a demon had decided to decorate the front lawn of your dorm with your father’s entrails, killed your mother and taken your older brother hostage. By the time you found him, he was twisted and black eyed, the demon having used his body beyond what it was capable of, and after exorcising his captor, he’d died in your arms.

_ Please take me away. I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna be this. _

You didn’t want to die, you knew that much, even if it felt like you were slowly curling away to nothingness like paper in a flame. But you didn’t want to be this then, and you didn’t want to be this now. You felt the stain of your actions, the deep cut of your loss and it did nothing but hurt all the damn time.

_ Please take me away. I don’t want this. _

The motel you were staying at for this hunt was more dilapidated than most, but at thirty bucks a night, you couldn’t complain. The dingy mattress was comfortable, and you were more than happy to wrap yourself up in the blanket on the bed, trying to contain your tears. You were exhausted, physically and mentally, but you didn’t want to sleep. Sleep only brought torment, and your prayers did nothing to stop the fear of what your future held.

‘It’s pathetic, really.’ The strong British accent had you sitting up and looking into the shadows of the room, seeing Crowley’s imposing form almost melt from the darkness. ‘Seeing you, reduced to this quivering mess of female disappointment. Where’s the spunky little hunter that gave me so much mouth all those months ago?’

You swallowed, feeling the dryness of your throat, a stark reminder than you hadn’t eaten or drunk anything for at least the previous day. ‘What do you want?’

Crowley tutted, walking around the bed, his eyes sweeping over your dishevelled form. ‘Is that any way to talk to the man who could stop you hurting, Y/N?’

‘You’re not a man.’ You snarled, throwing the blanket off, grabbing your gun from underneath your pillow.

‘Neither was Dean, but it didn’t stop him creeping between your luscious thighs, did it?’ Crowley sniggered and dodged the pillow you threw at him, his eyebrow arching as you cocked your gun and turned off the safety. A bullet wouldn’t hurt him, but you felt at least a little more in control. ‘Heard your prayers.’ He announced, turning away and walking around the room, running his fingers over the dusty surfaces and meagre belongings you hadn’t bothered to pick up. ‘Take me away. Such a plethora of options in that one.’

‘Demons don’t hear prayers.’ Your fingers shook as you held the gun up, remembering the last time you’d had a demon at the end of a barrel.

‘We can. You didn’t direct it to anyone in particular. And how could I avoid such a sweet scent of suffering and pitifulness.’ He looked back at you, almost grinning, and your finger tightened on the trigger. ‘You really have fallen so far, in such a short time.’ A leer spread across his face as he turned to you, leaning against the rickety old chest of drawers by the far wall. You had an aim, you could shoot him right between the eyes. ‘Imagine what I could do with you in hell. The kind of monster I could make.’

‘You’re not taking me anywhere.’ Your voice was cracking, and you were trembling all over, your hand barely holding the gun. Your body was weak from lack of sustenance, lack of anything, and you weren’t sure how long you would hold out; but you’d die before letting Crowley take you to hell.

‘ _ Please take me away _ .’ Crowley’s firm voice repeated your prayer and you squeezed your eyes shut for a brief second, feeling a single droplet trail its way from your right eye to hang on your jaw. ‘You don’t want to die, Y/N.’

‘I don’t wanna be a demon either.’ You spat, focusing your gaze on him. ‘I don’t care what offer you’ve got. I’m not gonna be your puppet.’

‘Had no problem being Dean’s.’ You pulled the trigger, shooting him in the shoulder, and the demon King yowled, before snarling and swearing at you, dragging a handkerchief from his pocket to dab at the bullet wound. ‘There she is.’ He looked back up at you. ‘You want to be somewhere else? Fine. What do you want?’

You frowned, confused by his words. ‘I don’t…why the hell do you care?’

Crowley pursed his lips, fixing you with a cold glare. ‘What. Do. You. Want?’

It was almost like a trance, as your lips moved and you answered him. He blinked, and your hands relaxed on the gun, your body slowly sinking back into the mattress as you let go of the tension and let the tears fall freely. Crowley watched you for a long moment, and you buried your face into your hands, curling your knees up to your chest.

‘I can do that. I can give you what you want.’

*****

You weren’t sure what you were doing as you climbed into the car, starting the engine and pulling your car away from the crap motel, everything you owned packed into the trunk. Crowley had given you two addresses and told you to choose. You weren’t sure what you were doing, and both addresses were in Lebanon, Kansas, conveniently two close to the two men you’d been avoiding.

_ You have to choose. Make your choice, and I’ll give you what you want. _

This was a stupid decision, and you could still feel the rough of Crowley’s beard on your chin as he’d sealed the deal with a kiss, the taste of whiskey on his tongue almost making you shudder. He’d practically purred at your decision to accept the deal, and you’d swallowed down the pit of regret in your throat, wondering if you’d just made a huge mistake. Before you could voice your doubt, he was gone, his promise echoing in your ears.

_ You have to choose _ .

Sam.

Or Dean.

You’d loved Sam for so long, but it hadn’t lasted. It had burnt out with the ferocity of his need for revenge, and the things he’d done in the name of saving his brother. You still remembered the curve of his hip, the way he was gentle with you, his lips worshipping your skin like you were a porcelain doll. The heat of his chest as he’d let you curl into his chest for comfort in the night.

Then there was Dean. Before he’d been killed, before the black eyes, he was your best friend. He was the one who joked about with you, made you smile, kept you company when Sam wasn’t there. You’d never seen anything deeper than that, but you’d loved him like a friend. You’d never considered anything more, which was why his words had thrown you when he’d said he’d loved you. Not that you could trust it – despite it being Dean, he’d been a demon. He couldn’t be trusted.

Your chest tightened as you continued the drive to Kansas, barely paying attention to the road as the weather turned, the rain hammering down onto your already dirty windscreen. Thoughts trampled through your head like a herd of wild horses, making your heart thump and your stomach roll with nerves. For six hours, you kept your foot on the pedal, ignoring the need to eat, the need to sleep.

Maybe you’d crash and die before you could make the decision you felt was impossible.

Lebanon’s town sign came into sight, just visible through the pouring rain and your less than adequate headlights. You swallowed thickly, pressing your foot down onto the brake as you wiped sweat from your forehead, and thunder cracked overhead. Each address was stamped into your mind like a brand, and you flitted between each one, knowing you had to choose.

Turn right, to the bunker.

Turn left, to the motel.

Dean.

Sam.

Closing your eyes, you let the car crawl forward, keeping your hands on your thighs and let the steering wheel drift as you made your decision. Something like electricity struck your heart and you pressed forward, your eyes snapping open as you made your choice and heading for the junction, flicking the indicator on and turning.

The road ahead was dark, and the rain kept coming down, and it felt like years before you saw lights ahead. The motel sign twinkled in the rain, and you let the car crawl along the asphalt. Spotting the familiar black car in the parking lot, your heart immediately leapt into your throat and you parked up, stepping out into the rain, uncaring that you were soaked to the skin within seconds.

You left your belongings in the car, knowing you wouldn’t need them, and headed for room six, the address Crowley had given you. Tentatively, you raised your hand, knocking on the door, and waiting for an answer.

*****

**Dean’s POV**

Sam had cured me. You’d have thought that would be the end of it, but it wasn’t. The truth was out now, and I had the taste of her on my tongue. He resented me for what I’d done, despite the way he claimed that it wasn’t truly me. Maybe it hadn’t been all my doing, but I’d been at the steering wheel – black and twisted as they come, but still me at the core.

I couldn’t deny I’d been lusting after Y/N for years, ever since I’d laid eyes on her at a bar. Turned out, we’d been hunting the same ghoul, but when it was all over, she’d fallen into bed with Sam, and I’d been left bereft. It didn’t stop me from being her friend; she was probably the best friend I ever had. Everything we shared, everything we had, I didn’t wanna risk losing that over some silly boy-like crush on my brother’s girl.

Of course, a silly crush had bloomed into much more, and when he’d let her come after me alone, when she’d stepped into that barn, I’d known she’d be mine before she stepped out again.

I hadn’t wanted Sam to see. Maybe I had, I don’t know. I’ll never shift the look of betrayal on his face. Same as I’ll never lose the feeling of her hot velvet skin wrapped around me, the perfect way she cried out when she came.

I was screwed, basically.

After weeks of tension, I’d decided to walk away for a few days, and let the atmosphere dissipate. We’d spoken about it, well, I’d tried, but Sam had brushed me off. She was gone, he was moving on. He wasn’t sure he’d had anything of what he’d felt left at the end, which made me feel even worse – we’d left her there and he was saying he wasn’t sure if he’d even loved her.

I knew one thing for sure; I still did.

She consumed my dreams, my waking thoughts not far behind, and I’d done my best to try and find her. I kept it from Sam, unsure how my brother would feel about my actions. All I knew was that I  _ needed _ to know she was alright, that she was at least alive. She wouldn’t have quit hunting; even though I knew her reservations about the life, she couldn’t give it up.

In the end, I hadn’t been able to find her, and I’d resorted to sulking quietly in a cheap motel, with a bottle of even cheaper whiskey, and Casa Erotica 23. When the knock came at the door, I’d scowled, wondering if Sam had finally given up with his attitude problem, and contemplated ignoring the knock. A second, smaller knock, so unlike Sam, had my curiosity pulling me from the bed and I trudged across the room to answer, flinging the door open with a carefully controlled measure of indignation at the interruption.

All that control went out the window when I saw her, soaked to the skin and looking like someone had just killed her puppy in front of her. My jaw dropped, and I whispered her name, shock taking over my functions as she sniffed and wiped at her nose with a wet sleeve.

‘Get in here,’ I ordered, reaching out and pulling her in from the rain. She was drenched, and I quickly hurried her to a chair in the room, sitting her down and grabbing a towel from the bed. Y/N simply sniffed as I slung the towel around her shoulders, kneeling in front of her and looking up at that drawn, sad face. ‘What are you doing here?’

Y/N shrugged, like she was in a daze, wiping at her face again with her soaked sleeve. I wasn’t sure how much of the water on her face was tears and how much was rain water, and I frowned, wiping at her cheeks with my thumb. I’d forgotten how small she was compared to me, how fragile she looked. She’d never seemed this fragile to me.

‘Wait here.’ I stood up, moving over to my duffel, picking out a clean, dry tee and some boxer shorts. When I turned around, she’d stood up, holding the towel in one hand as she stared at the floor. ‘I looked for you,’ I blurted out, feeling something swell and shrink in my chest. ‘Sam said…’ She flinched at his name and I was swamped with guilt. ‘He said he left you there.’

Y/N looked up, wide eyes focusing on me. ‘You remember it all?’

I couldn’t stop myself from answering. ‘Sweetheart, I haven’t been able to stop remembering.’ She almost withdrew into herself and I realised how that sounded, my feet dragging back towards her, seizing her chin and making her look up at me. ‘Not in a bad way. I mean, it was wrong, what I did. I felt like I’d forced you.’

She shook her head, bottom lip quivering as she connected her beautiful eyes with mine. ‘I wanted it. You would have stopped if I didn’t.’

I wanted to say that was true, but the falsehood of it caught in my throat. I was capable of  _ anything _ as a demon, even now, with the Mark still burning through my veins, I wasn’t I could be trusted. But she was here, and her touch…goddamn, her touch calmed me more than I’d felt in weeks.

‘I wanted it. Sam…Sam didn’t want me. And the way he looked at me…’

Her words cut through me like a knife. Sam had  _ known _ what he was doing that night. He knew he was putting her in danger, a fact that I’d pointed out to him a thousand times. I knew the things he’d done in the name of saving me, and some of them made me seethe with the realisation that saving me had pushed him to the cusp of morality and beyond. That wasn’t the brother I’d known, and Y/N was the collateral damage, stood in front of me like a broken doll.

I wasn’t sure I could fix her.

‘I chose.’ She whispered, shrugging her wet coat off, letting it fall to the floor with an audible thud. I ignored it, knowing the housekeeping staff would clear it away. Holding out the dry clothes, I attempted to be a gentleman and turned my back as she changed, giving her a few minutes to get out of the wet things. She discarded them on the floor, and I grimaced as I felt my cock swell at the thought of her being naked so close to me.

It was difficult to keep a hold of myself with the emotions so raw and close to the surface. I couldn’t even count the amount of times I’d jacked off to the beautiful sight of her puckered lips around me cock, practically choking me down. I was wrong, I knew I was, but I wanted her so bad, despite the nuclear fallout from our previous encounter.

‘Dean?’ Her voice was so damn timid. It wasn’t the woman I’d known. Something had destroyed her in the previous few weeks and I had a sinking feeling I was part of that.

‘Yeah?’

‘Look at me.’ The request was so earnest, that I turned without thinking, almost stumbling at the sight of her in nothing but her skin, practically shivering as she held the clothes I’d given her in her hands. ‘Is this okay? Is there something wrong with me?’

I shook my head, crossing the distance between us in two steps, pulling her close, my hands cradling her face as I desperately tried to ignore the urges my body was pulsing with. I was harder than fucking steel, but I had to think of her, had to reassure her. She’d been beat down and broken, and I knew I had to put her back together, however I could.

‘No. Nothing wrong with you, baby, nothing at all.’ I leaned in, kissing the corner of her mouth. ‘It’s us. We’re fucked up. We broke you, and we shouldn’t have.’ My hand cupped her cheek gently as I focused in on her sad eyes, wishing I could take all the pain away from her. ‘Please don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Sam shouldn’t have used you like bait. And I...I shouldn’t have made you -’

Her forehead wrinkled adorably. ‘You didn’t make me do anything.’

Jesus wept, her hand was on my hip, sliding round to my cock, which was already straining at the front of my jeans. I groaned, unable to stop the slight thrust I gave, but drinking in the smile she gave. ‘Y/N, what are you doing?’

She batted her eyelashes, her other hand sliding up to my neck to pull me down. As her lips neared mine, I heard her whisper. ‘Making a choice.’ I couldn’t answer before she’d pressed her soft lips against my mouth, her tongue gently probing against mine, and I was lost. My arms looped around her waist, holding her close before picking her up.

It wasn’t even a conscious choice to be more gentle than I had been with her before. I hadn’t kissed her like this before, and it seemed to be even more demanding and hotter. She mewled into my mouth as I lay her down on the bed, refusing to part from her for even a second. Her hands pulled at my clothes, and I helped, neither of us stopping until I was naked, same as her.

Bending my head, I sucked one hard nipple into my mouth, moaning around her skin, savouring the taste of her as she threaded her fingers through my already messy hair, whimpering as I sucked a little harder. I knew what she needed - and I was willing to give it, but I wouldn’t break her this time.

Moving down her body, I kissed a path of firm kisses against her skin, trying not to notice the bruises and scrapes on her, knowing she’d probably picked those up from careless hunting. I tried not to notice the loss of weight in certain parts of her - I’d always loved her curves, and she hadn’t lost them, not totally, but I made a mental note to make sure she ate properly from now on.

There was no intention in my mind of letting her go again. And I had to show her that. I was no good with words. Never had been. But my tongue had other uses.

Pushing her thighs apart, I lapped at her soaked cunt for a second, quick, thick strokes of my tongue against her sensitive flesh, and she was already quivering when I zeroed in on her swollen clit. She whined, her voice still music to my ears as I gripped her thighs and pulled her against my mouth greedily. I had to taste every inch of her, I wanted her wet and writhing, and I wasn’t gonna give up until I had her calling my name.

‘Dean.’ The first cry was a start, and I smiled, digging my tongue deeper against her pussy, feeling her fingers claw at the bed as she pleaded for more. I was happy to oblige and fucked my tongue into her hard, feeling every single whine and begging word vibrate through her. Her taste was a dull sweet tang that I’d never get out of my head - I’d already tried once.

‘Want to taste you coming for me,’ I growled, jerking her down closer still. She nodded, her eyes closed as she tossed her head from side to side, hair still wet from the rain. I could feel the tremors starting to move through her body, and within second, she was flooding my mouth with that sweet taste that was all Y/N. It was a gift I’d never relinquish, not even to hell itself, and I moaned languidly as she kept on pulsing around me.

Pulling up, I watched her panting heavily, my hands sinking into the old mattress as I crawled up her body, hearing the rain outside turn to thunder. Y/N flinched at the sound, distracted by her orgasm, and I smiled, pressing my nose into her neck, inhaling her sweet scent. She practically melted into me, the tension leaving her body as she arched up against my body.

‘I want you,’ I muttered. ‘Always have.’ She seemed to warm a little at that, smiling before pulling my face towards hers in both hands, her fingers scraping over the week old stubble on my cheeks. I didn’t resist, swallowing down her moans as my cock sank into her slowly, her body accepting me willingly. She brought her legs up to hook around my waist, and I clung to her, like she was a dream that could disappear at any second.

Thunder crashed outside, and we crashed into each other over and over, losing ourselves in soft, harsh kisses, hands clasping together, her smaller fingers threading through mine as I showed her all the things I couldn’t say. When she fell, crying out my name in almost-desperation, I marked her neck, more gently than I had the last time. Her cheeks was moist as she let her legs fall, and I didn’t even realise she was crying until I gave one last thrust and let go.

‘Y/N?’ I frowned, the high of my climax fading away as I saw her tears. She smiled, craning her neck to kiss me again, and for a second I was confused. ‘You okay?’

‘Perfect,’ she whispered. ‘Just tired.’

I smiled, kissing her long and slow, before withdrawing from her, almost oblivious to the stickiness on my thighs and hers. I grabbed a washcloth from the bathroom and cleaned up, coming back to find her dressed in the boxers and shirt, curling under the covers. Without asking, not feeling like I needed to, I put my own underwear back on and climbed in behind her, gathering her into my arms and kissing the back of her neck.

‘Where are we going from here?’ I asked, slightly afraid of her answer. She smiled, snuggling back into me and closing her eyes.

‘Just sleep, Dean.’

*****

_ If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? _

_ For I must be travelling on now, cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see _

My eyes didn’t want to open, but the absence of weight in my arms made me sit upright, wondering where she’d gone. Her wet clothes from the night before were still on the floor, and I frowned, looking over at the radio, which I hadn’t set. It was playing Lynyrd Skynyrd, a song I’d heard a thousand times before, but never had it filled me with dread.

‘Y/N?’ I called to her, standing from the bed and padding to the bathroom, finding it vacant. With a lump of worry growing in my throat, I rushed to the window, seeing her car still there, parked next to Baby, her duffel bag clearly visible on the back ledge. ‘Y/N?’ I span around, seeing the open window at the back of the room, and the clean clothes I’d given her discarded on the floor.

As I walked towards them, a bird fluttered and landed on the windowsill, looking up at me and twitching it’s head side to side, chirping brightly. I recognised the type - a Blue Jay, and a beautiful looking one at that. Her vivid blue feathers ruffled a little as she kept watching me, and a sense of dread settled into the pit of my stomach.

_ But if I stayed here with you, girl, things just couldn’t be the same _

_ Cause I’m as a free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change _

‘Y/N?’ Her name was a whisper on my lips as the bird chirped and hopped around on her little black legs, navigating the windowsill as I bent to pick up the clothes I’d given Y/N the night before. A small piece of paper floated from the folds of the shirt, and I frowned, catching it in mid-air. It was a small torn photo of Y/N, when she was a kid, dancing in what I could only assume was her back yard.

The bird chirped again.

‘What did you do?’ I asked, wondering if I was directing the question at the bird, knowing I must be crazy. ‘Y/N…’ The bird chirped once more, flapping her wings, before she fell silent and stared at me, and for a second, I swore I felt my heart stop. Then she turned, and flew away. I fell towards the window, my fingers clutching the ledge as the blue jay soared high and away from the motel, until she was nothing but a black speck in the sky.

_ Bye, bye, baby, it's been a sweet love, yeah, though this feeling I can't change _

_ But please don't take it so badly, cause Lord knows I'm to blame _

_ But if I stayed here with you, girl, things just couldn't be the same _

_ 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you'll never change _

  
  



End file.
